Today, I was listening to Susan Pierce Thompson’s webinar about positive psychology. Suddenly I felt my eyes started watering.
I was all “WTH”… What is going on???
I was sitting at “my office” (Baresso coffeehouse in Slagelse). And I didn’t feel like crying right this second. I was trying so hard NOT to cry..
We all know, what happens when we try not to cry
Then we really want to cry!
Aaarrgggg BUT WHYYYY – Screaming to the heavens above!
But why did I start crying??
Susan was talking about those feelings of not really feeling happy in general. And all of a sudden, I felt sadness overwhelm me …
As I started to question my sadness, I realised that I really very rarely feel happy.
Besides those little peaks of happiness when something wonderful happens.
I’m not depressed, but I’m also not happy
I just don’t feel like I want to dive in deep and feel that unhappiness. I’m afraid that if I do, I’m depressed and then I won’t be going anywhere in life.
I want to feel as if I am making progress, which means, I’m constantly doing something related to acting, my blog, singing. If I’m not doing these things, I feel I’m unsuccessful.
The invisible battle withing me
I constantly have an inside battle. Its not that loud, really. It’s often a very invisible and quiet one… Which makes it hard to pay notice of it, cause I tend to just move along and not pay attention to it, unless it’s highlighted in neon.
I always feel I can do better. Which I have talked about before.
Almost 12 years ago, I was injured in a traffic accident. Because of it, I got a whiplash. Which meant that everyday for many years since has been a struggle to survive.
It’s an inside/outside battle, which many people don’t understand.
The outside one is not that apparent, so for many, it’s “If I can’t see it, then it can’t be real” kinda thing.
And the inside battle, which is actually the worst one is: I always wanna do better than everyone else, in the sense that, I am stronger, I can endure more. I wanna be the one who doesn’t need sleep, food or even air, if that’s what it takes to get the job done.
But the truth is, I really can’t function very well if I don’t get the 7-8 hours of sleep, I need a lot of space to relax, which means I need a quiet space, with no one around.
I need healthy food, like never before, and obviously… Air…
I’m so stubborn it’s stupid!
Or maybe I just feel like I’ve wasted so many years of my life, on being unable to do what I love, and now I’m almost 450 years old, so I don’t want to waste anymore time, on being sick!
I don’t want to be that kind of actor/person, who is demanding special treatment, because I’m “sick”
Which is probably also part of my decision of being single.
I really can’t pay attention to another person’s needs, while I take care of my own.
I do have friends, and of course family. And my 3 little cats.
Sometimes it does make me a little sad, thinking I might be alone forever. Because, obviously I want to find a special love and enjoy being part of a unity.
But I measure it like this. Could I be without acting and still be happy?? The answer is a big fat NO!
Could I be single and still be happy??
And the answer is, yes! (I guess I could)
I could, but I do hope, someday, I’ll be able to have both in my life, and be accepted for whatever I do. That this is my “baby”, that I need to take good care of. I need to nurture it, as if it was a kid with special needs. Cause I do have this “thing” that makes it harder for me to be healthy and work at the same time.
I takes me back to when I was a child.
I have had astma and allergies my whole childhood and into my early twenties. Early on, I was the kid that couldn’t run for very long, without getting an astma attack, or when there was animals, at a friends house, I couldn’t stay, because of my allergies that often led to an attack.
I always wanted to prove to everyone else, that I could do the same, as everyone else, that I wasn’t weird or different.
I was the one who wanted to prove I could win a 800 meter race, which I did, but afterwards I nearly threw up my lungs. But I did it!
I guess its still a part of me the fear of “sticking out”, when it comes to illnesses.
I never feared sticking out in any other ways.
I just finished 2 1/2 days of filming. Which has been really wonderful!
I don’t want to complaint, cause it really has been such a great experience – to work intensely with people who also love what they do, is amazing!
I’m really grateful for having these experiences, and people believing in me, enough to want me to be a part of their projects!
But… And this is not meant in a negative way, what so ever… the day after, we had ended filming, which was friday, I was completely torn down, physically…
My entire body hurt!!
My neck was a reck – actually my entire back/spine hurt. So much that I eventually had to take pain killers to be able to function for the rest of the day.
We worked really long hours, and the final day, I had a scene that was a bit physical. I didn’t put up boundaries about how rough he could be with me – Actually, we didn’t talk about the scene very much, so it was very improvised.
As mentioned before, I LOVE improv, for me, it brings out something real, which I love – But it can be too risky for me, to be so improvised when it comes to my injury.
I didn’t feel it right away, but I for sure did, at night, when I was in my own home (with my cats) and could relax.
I would do it again, the exact same thing – But I hope I will learn from this, so I won’t have to go through unnecessary pain, afterwards… But I guess only time will tell.
I’m really emotionally invested in being an actor, and I dont want to stop, because of an injury.
I want to take care of my body, as well as give it my all. I just don’t know yet how to do both. And maybe that’s what also made me sad, when I heard Susan talk about those feelings.
The fear of having to chose between the two.
Just writing this, right now, makes me sad and my eyes are starting to water up… again.
I don’t really have an ending for this post. I guess I’ll just leave it “open”.